Today is a day where I hate my reflection. The man looking back at me is a hollow shell attempting to go through the motions of a normal day. I thought seriously about shaving my beard for a different view but i cant afford a divorce. My wife left me with a simple task. “Clean the apartment while I’m at work. Just clean the coffee table and take out the trash at least.”, she requested as she walked out the door.
It took three hours to find the motivation within to start cleaning. That entire time I admit that I sat on the couch with the dog. There was nothing stopping me from facing the task head on but myself. Despite the simplicity, I was overwhelmed thinking about filling a trashbag, picking up a few plates and cups, cleaning the guinea pigs’ cage, and taking a few things to the dumpster. I sat frozen on the couch not only upset by the request, but mostly with myself.
I literally just wrote to you about self motivation last night, and there I sat in a slump. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I just lazy, or is something seriously wrong here? Normal people don’t do this. They seem to have no problem with completing day to day chores. Even as a child I would become consumed by sloth tendencies with chores and school projects, but as an adult I hate myself for it.
These feelings followed me to the grocery store, as I went after cleaning to get spinach for the guinea pig and a few other things. I fought myself constantly between indecision on what to cook for dinner, and a relentless thirst for alcohol. Everything from red wine to malt liquor stared longingly as I passed by. Fourty torturous minutes later, I walked out with 6 items. I thought I was beyond this. I thought I could finally make decisions. How do people do this?
Presently, I am lying in bed with the dog by my side to get some sleep before my night shift. Even in posting this, I am beside myself judging every letter that my fingers strike. I write this with a purpose however. Lately life has been fairly good to me and I have been motivational for you all. This is to show one of my ugly sides and to keep track of my moodswings. To record my mindset in a dark hour. Yes, the sun will shine for me soon but until then, I hope today is great for you.