I Have Failed

Who doesn’t love the weekend? Any time off to kick back and relax does the mind and body a world of good. However, even in these times we are faced with choices that produce good or bad outcomes. I made a decision during my downtime that I came to realize I’m not very proud of. To my friends and readers (whom I also consider friends), I’m coming clean in this post.

For those of you who have never met me, you may not know that I work a rotating schedule with my company. This means that I work for four days followed by having the following four days off. Having the weekend off is an occurrence that happens every month or so and I typically spend time with my wife and pets when I get such fortune. This weekend was going especially good because we decided to stay in watch tv together on Saturday. We needed a few things to make dinner so I decided to brave the howling winds and go to the store. Little did I know that I was about to step into a trap that I set.

I walked into the grocery store with a small list and a mission to get in and get out as soon as I could. I managed to grab all the ingredients we needed for dinner and grabbed a few extras to accompany our meal. I made my way to the frozen food section and there it was. So taunting yet so tantalizing, the IPAs called to me. I had passed by the beer many times before but this time was different somehow.

“I’m a grown ass man and I can make my decisions like an adult. I’ve had this under control and buying this doesn’t change that.”, I thought to myself. I’m a real sucker for a good IPA that doesn’t break the bank so I allowed my ego to take over and spend the five dollars on a four pack.

There is one thing I would like to clarify before I continue. I was never a raging alcoholic. I never drank and drive, never got violent when drunk, and always stayed confined when drinking. I stopped drinking liquor because I was letting it run my life. I found every window of opportunity to drink and took it without a second thought. I was the one who put my foot down about it and said enough was enough and sought help for self medicating my anxiety through alcohol. My wife was very quick to remind me of this when I came home.

Tough love is probably some of the best love that one could ever ask for, and I am eternally grateful for my wife from the bottom of my heart. She is the best support I could ever ask for whether it’s my panic attacks sending me off or staying off the bottle. She helped me to realize that not only did I break my own rule about alcohol in the house, but I am now a hypocrite to you all. How can I preach maintaining a happier, healthier life when I struggle to maintain my own? At that moment, I held my nose and took a large bite of crow since I had the beer to wash it down with.

I have fallen on my journey to self improvement now for the first time and I pray that it’s the last. My goal now is to only drink at restaurants and to never bring alcohol back into my house. Most importantly, I strive now to not let my family, my readers, and myself down again. I will not fail you all again. Besides, it’s not that you fall… It’s how you get back up that matters most.

6 thoughts on “I Have Failed

  1. I have had more than my fair share of alcoholism in my family (not me thankfully) and know how hard it is to stop drinking or cut it down. It is a struggle that may never be completely solved but I think your brave writing about this subject and i wouldn’t beat yourself up too much. You clearly have a will to stop and a strong support network. Keep being positive.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My husband, a Marine veteran is a recovering alcoholic and I say recovering because everyday is a fight! As you said, a simple trip to the store gets you tempted and you contemplate until you can’t no more and say, what’s one beer?! The grocery store, a family or friends gathering, an outing, it’s a an unknown territory and I can never know how he’ll be. I have to be so supportive of my husband and be that backbone in times of weakness. I applaud your wife because I know that struggle too well. Blessing and courage on your road to full recovery. 🙏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the blessing and more importantly, thank you to your husband for his service! I can’t even imagine the things he has experienced and seen in the service and he performed a job that I certainly could never handle. I may not have walked a mile in his boots, but I have walked that aisle in his shoes. I am sure your support means the world to him and your patience is greatly appreciated. My wife has often told me over many things that it hurts to have to say “no” because she wants me to be happy but she knows I don’t need it. If he gets upset, just remember it’s temporary and it will pass as quickly as it came. Blessings to you as well!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! At times it may seems that no human should ever see what our men and women in service and out have seen. Yes! Your wife is one beautiful soul, it’s tough love! And as much as it isn’t ‘fun’ for both parties, someone has to take care of the other.

        Liked by 1 person

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