Am I in a slump again? Perhaps another plateau in my medication? It really can’t be that complicated, as this morning I rose with the sun to face new challenges lying before me. I started out with my best foot forward on a positive note only to find myself buckling into my seat on the rollercoaster. Is this what “normal” people do?
Despite its’ title, Tuesday has been my Monday this week. 5:30 AM came in the usual fashion as I staggered into the kitchen to take the dog outside and start my first of several cups of coffee for the day. I put in my contacts after throwing on my dingy white tee shirt and work jeans before making my way to the plant. After four days off, it can be difficult to find the strength to carry out a twelve hour shift, but I try to keep a positive outlook and remain grateful for my job. Once at work I put on my personal protective equipment and took a deep breath before plunging into the work day. The gears within me began turning as I took each step to my work area. I felt stronger than my machinery and was determined that today would be great… Until the crash.
On my days off, I have a hard time thinking of topics to write about. Despite my posts about everyday life consisting of a journal style format, I have many ideas for poetry and original pieces but I prefer to write quality over quantity in that respect. I always have the best ideas at work for some reason and have been writing a lot on my lunch breaks lately. Today I had great thoughts. Rhythms, words, rhymes, and metaphors that made my heart race with adrenaline and emotion. I went to lunch as soon as I could to begin something great, only to have my thumbs vomit onto my phones’ keyboard. The words weren’t flowing right and the phrases had the rhythm of one of those creepy toy monkeys with the obnoxious cymbals. My beautiful writing became complete shit before my eyes.
Disappointed and out of time, I commenced the walk back to my area. Not before buying a couple of packs of Reese’s cups for the walk of course. Ever since I have stopped drinking liquor I have been hooked on peanut butter cups and coffee. However, even with the warm and sweet comfort dancing on my tastebuds, I slowly lingered into depression… Which soon became frustration with the challenges at work… Which became happiness again when talking with my coworkers and triggered sadness as I walked away from the conversation. What the hell was this? I had been completely fine and due to a minor setback, I became a wreck in the making. I have experienced this in the past before beginning my Buspirone but it had been awhile since my last episode, so perhaps it was just a rough day. After all, everyone has bad days.
I know I am overreacting about the entire thing but you have to understand how I used to handle things before beginning my medication. When I used to get upset or angry, it was never a simple act of just going on with life. I used to hold onto the anger all day and sometimes carry it into the next day. Now to feel everything within moments feels like I am several people all at once. Everyone is fighting to show through to the surface and it is up to me to mediate. It seems that with every time this happens, I handle it well but never fully understand if this is how this really feels or if it’s just a side effect.
So tomorrow is another day and I plan to grab the bull by the horns and hopefully keep my emotions from spiraling. This may just be the new and improved me that I learn to live with. Besides, every new edition has bugs to be fixed, right? I will keep you posted with an update, but for now I hope you are doing great.